I don't know how to title this, and I don't really even know if I'll publish it. Nobody reads it, so it really doesn't matter.
When I started this mess, I felt like I wanted a place to literally take the filter/mask off and just be really real. I wanted to do it anonymously, but in reality, there is no anonymous. Not really.
We have had so much go on lately, that I doubt I can fill in all the blanks, and not really sure that I want to, but I'm going to type some things anyway.
I have been really, really ticked at God lately. Silly, right? I mean, where does that really get anybody? Nowhere. Nowhere, but frustrated, aggravated, edgy, whatever else you wanna throw in there.
We are in a place we've never been. But once I really type that out, I think we've been here before. We are in the same place we always are in. The only thing that changes is the physical appearance. And the physical appearance is not really the truth. The truth is where we are spiritually, and that is seated at the right hand of the Father, in Christ. I'm talking in circles. It's just so frustrating to not see the Kingdom coming forth into our natural realm. And what is that supposed to look like anyway? I know what it is supposed to look like, or what I think it's supposed to look like, but it hasn't happened. Or has it?
Maybe we are just set up for the biggest miracle of all with all of this. And maybe that is how God wants me to look at it. Maybe?
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I haven't been posting because this blog was being read by people I know. I've wanted to keep it public, but anonymous because I know that I've stumbled on blogs that have helped me from time to time. I don't know. I don't care on most levels, but it does keep me from just typing what I think. I type with a filter now, and that's not how I wanted this to go. But, oh, well. No secrets, right?
Emily is up to something again. I'm not sure what, but some of the pieces to the puzzle have been put in place tonight. She has a Nook in her room that she's getting on the internet with. I shouldn't be surprised at all. I keep getting texts that somebody is trying to hack her email with the security questions. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she had, but Jacob asked about it and everything made sense. She had tried to tell me that her friends were trying to hack her account. Tomorrow should be an interesting day.
Our van died. We decided to sew it in the Kingdom by donating it. I wish we could have donated it in top running shape, but it will do somebody some good this way.
We are about to become small group leaders at our church. I'm really excited about how it will all play out. We are going to have a group of students, alumni and their families from school. For now it will only be open to them, but in the future, I'm sure something more will come of it. You just can't keep a lid on the gospel.
Gonna go to bed I think...
Emily is up to something again. I'm not sure what, but some of the pieces to the puzzle have been put in place tonight. She has a Nook in her room that she's getting on the internet with. I shouldn't be surprised at all. I keep getting texts that somebody is trying to hack her email with the security questions. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she had, but Jacob asked about it and everything made sense. She had tried to tell me that her friends were trying to hack her account. Tomorrow should be an interesting day.
Our van died. We decided to sew it in the Kingdom by donating it. I wish we could have donated it in top running shape, but it will do somebody some good this way.
We are about to become small group leaders at our church. I'm really excited about how it will all play out. We are going to have a group of students, alumni and their families from school. For now it will only be open to them, but in the future, I'm sure something more will come of it. You just can't keep a lid on the gospel.
Gonna go to bed I think...
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A Draft on Her Phone
God will give me the courage to live and the love I need.
I know He speaks to me.
I know I have my faults, but I'm still beautiful.
Life isn't easy, but it's a gift we have to accept.
He'll speak to me in my dreams and love me endlessly.
He is my Father who I'll worship forever.
He is my Savior who I'll love forever.
Oh, God, show me who I am.
I love how she described the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus, all three in this. I know we still have a lot of ground to cover, but she is certainly headed in the right direction. Most of the little blurbs she writes like this are dark and dreary. This one is certainly not.
I love it!
I know He speaks to me.
I know I have my faults, but I'm still beautiful.
Life isn't easy, but it's a gift we have to accept.
He'll speak to me in my dreams and love me endlessly.
He is my Father who I'll worship forever.
He is my Savior who I'll love forever.
Oh, God, show me who I am.
I love how she described the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus, all three in this. I know we still have a lot of ground to cover, but she is certainly headed in the right direction. Most of the little blurbs she writes like this are dark and dreary. This one is certainly not.
I love it!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Crazy summer
I had a wonderful week of silence last week. Joshua and I did exactly what we wanted, when we wanted, which really consisted of being at home a lot. It was really nice. Jacob was home for a few days, and then he was gone to his grandmother's for the end of the week. The kids all came home on Sunday, and it's life back to full-tilt busy again.
Emily has been acting strangely mellow this week and I figured out why. She has a Facebook account under a different email. Nice try, Missy. I think this Facebook account has been her outlet for the drama that she is addicted to. And as most addicts are, when they are getting their fix in, she has been content. Her mother said she had a near perfect week down there. I got on her Facebook just today and she opened it and started all her conversations on July 3, so while she was down there.
As soon as she saw that I knew about it, she retreated to our bathroom to cry. We had company in from out of town and I guess she wasn't going to do it in front of them. I think she was really trying just to get control of the situation because she texted me from the bathroom telling me that she knows I saw it and would I just come back there and talk to her about it. I told her no, not right then. A little after that, I went back to the bathroom to tell her she couldn't sit back there by herself and she needed to come back to the living room. She was also told she couldn't retreat to her bedroom to be alone. She does not have the privilege of being alone, especially when she's melting down. It's not safe for her. She laid on the couch and sobbed quietly for about 30 minutes. Nobody acted like they saw her.
I know she sometimes truly has emotional outbursts for reasons that she should have attention for, but crying for 30 minutes because you get caught doing something wrong is not one of them. How long is it going to take for her to learn?
Cody called me on Friday while we had Joshua at Chuck E Cheese to tell me that he as decided to move to his Mom's. I'm not too sure that is the right plan for him, but he's determined and we're not going to stop him. I don't know if I think he'll come back or not, but I explained to him that when he goes, he will lose his bedroom. I can't in good conscience have a child sleeping in an open dining room when I have an empty bedroom. He was also told that he can go and if it's not what he thinks and he's miserable, he can come back once. But only once. If he goes again after that, he can't come back. We are not going to play musical houses like that. It's not ok.
Jacob is just normal ole Jacob. Nothing unusual or different there. He works out, he hangs with friends, he plays video games and he loves his Mama.
Joshua's the same way, but add in playing with Max. :-)
Oh, I am going to go to Vegas this weekend for a week. We are going to visit family out there and I'm so excited! I'm taking my niece and nephew home who have been staying with my in laws for a few weeks. I can't wait! I've never been and on the way back, we're going to go to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it. Now that I have an awesome camera, I'll be taking some awesome pictures. So exciting!
Emily has been acting strangely mellow this week and I figured out why. She has a Facebook account under a different email. Nice try, Missy. I think this Facebook account has been her outlet for the drama that she is addicted to. And as most addicts are, when they are getting their fix in, she has been content. Her mother said she had a near perfect week down there. I got on her Facebook just today and she opened it and started all her conversations on July 3, so while she was down there.
As soon as she saw that I knew about it, she retreated to our bathroom to cry. We had company in from out of town and I guess she wasn't going to do it in front of them. I think she was really trying just to get control of the situation because she texted me from the bathroom telling me that she knows I saw it and would I just come back there and talk to her about it. I told her no, not right then. A little after that, I went back to the bathroom to tell her she couldn't sit back there by herself and she needed to come back to the living room. She was also told she couldn't retreat to her bedroom to be alone. She does not have the privilege of being alone, especially when she's melting down. It's not safe for her. She laid on the couch and sobbed quietly for about 30 minutes. Nobody acted like they saw her.
I know she sometimes truly has emotional outbursts for reasons that she should have attention for, but crying for 30 minutes because you get caught doing something wrong is not one of them. How long is it going to take for her to learn?
Cody called me on Friday while we had Joshua at Chuck E Cheese to tell me that he as decided to move to his Mom's. I'm not too sure that is the right plan for him, but he's determined and we're not going to stop him. I don't know if I think he'll come back or not, but I explained to him that when he goes, he will lose his bedroom. I can't in good conscience have a child sleeping in an open dining room when I have an empty bedroom. He was also told that he can go and if it's not what he thinks and he's miserable, he can come back once. But only once. If he goes again after that, he can't come back. We are not going to play musical houses like that. It's not ok.
Jacob is just normal ole Jacob. Nothing unusual or different there. He works out, he hangs with friends, he plays video games and he loves his Mama.
Joshua's the same way, but add in playing with Max. :-)
Oh, I am going to go to Vegas this weekend for a week. We are going to visit family out there and I'm so excited! I'm taking my niece and nephew home who have been staying with my in laws for a few weeks. I can't wait! I've never been and on the way back, we're going to go to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it. Now that I have an awesome camera, I'll be taking some awesome pictures. So exciting!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A Week Off
I am so thankful for the quiet. I love all the kids, but its ok to be happy with a break. Silence is beautiful.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Summer Visit
We have decided to leave it up to Emily's therapist as to whether or not she goes to visit her mom next week. Is it selfish of me to kind of hope she can go? I think I need a chance to miss her a little bit.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
What Are We Supposed To Do?
That is not written in upset or anguish. I won't go there. I just don't know what to do with her. She just told me that she cut again. Last night. I also caught her having used Codys Facebook to try to find her friends and boyfriend. I know she wants to go back to the first hospital, but I just don't want her to. Davids sleeping, so I can't talk to him.
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