Coming out of a pit

I don't know how to title this, and I don't really even know if I'll publish it.  Nobody reads it, so it really doesn't matter.

When I started this mess, I felt like I wanted a place to literally take the filter/mask off and just be really real. I wanted to do it anonymously, but in reality, there is no anonymous.  Not really.

We have had so much go on lately, that I doubt I can fill in all the blanks, and not really sure that I want to, but I'm going to type some things anyway.

I have been really, really ticked at God lately.  Silly, right?  I mean, where does that really get anybody?  Nowhere.  Nowhere, but frustrated, aggravated, edgy, whatever else you wanna throw in there.

We are in a place we've never been.  But once I really type that out, I think we've been here before.  We are in the same place we always are in.  The only thing that changes is the physical appearance.  And the physical appearance is not really the truth.  The truth is where we are spiritually, and that is seated at the right hand of the Father, in Christ.  I'm talking in circles.  It's just so frustrating to not see the Kingdom coming forth into our natural realm.  And what is that supposed to look like anyway?  I know what it is supposed to look like, or what I think it's supposed to look like, but it hasn't happened.  Or has it?

Maybe we are just set up for the biggest miracle of all with all of this.  And maybe that is how God wants me to look at it.  Maybe?

I haven't been posting because this blog was being read by people I know.  I've wanted to keep it public, but anonymous because I know that I've stumbled on blogs that have helped me from time to time.  I don't know.  I don't care on most levels, but it does keep me from just typing what I think.  I type with a filter now, and that's not how I wanted this to go.  But, oh, well.  No secrets, right?

Emily is up to something again.  I'm not sure what, but some of the pieces to the puzzle have been put in place tonight.  She has a Nook in her room that she's getting on the internet with.  I shouldn't be surprised at all.  I keep getting texts that somebody is trying to hack her email with the security questions.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she had, but Jacob asked about it and everything made sense.  She had tried to tell me that her friends were trying to hack her account.  Tomorrow should be an interesting day.

Our van died.  We decided to sew it in the Kingdom by donating it.  I wish we could have donated it in top running shape, but it will do somebody some good this way.

We are about to become small group leaders at our church.  I'm really excited about how it will all play out.  We are going to have a group of students, alumni and their families from school.  For now it will only be open to them, but in the future, I'm sure something more will come of it.  You just can't keep a lid on the gospel.

Gonna go to bed I think...

A Draft on Her Phone

God will give me the courage to live and the love I need.
I know He speaks to me.
I know I have my faults, but I'm still beautiful.
Life isn't easy, but it's a gift we have to accept.
He'll speak to me in my dreams and love me endlessly.
He is my Father who I'll worship forever.
He is my Savior who I'll love forever.
Oh, God, show me who I am.

I love how she described the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus, all three in this.  I know we still have a lot of ground to cover, but she is certainly headed in the right direction.  Most of the little blurbs she writes like this are dark and dreary.  This one is certainly not.

I love it!

Crazy summer

I had a wonderful week of silence last week.  Joshua and I did exactly what we wanted, when we wanted, which really consisted of being at home a lot.  It was really nice.  Jacob was home for a few days, and then he was gone to his grandmother's for the end of the week.  The kids all came home on Sunday, and it's life back to full-tilt busy again.

Emily has been acting strangely mellow this week and I figured out why.  She has a Facebook account under a different email.  Nice try, Missy.  I think this Facebook account has been her outlet for the drama that she is addicted to.  And as most addicts are, when they are getting their fix in, she has been content.  Her mother said she had a near perfect week down there.  I got on her Facebook just today and she opened it and started all her conversations on July 3, so while she was down there.

As soon as she saw that I knew about it, she retreated to our bathroom to cry.  We had company in from out of town and I guess she wasn't going to do it in front of them.  I think she was really trying just to get control of the situation because she texted me from the bathroom telling me that she knows I saw it and would I just come back there and talk to her about it.  I told her no, not right then.  A little after that, I went back to the bathroom to tell her she couldn't sit back there by herself and she needed to come back to the living room.  She was also told she couldn't retreat to her bedroom to be alone.  She does not have the privilege of being alone, especially when she's melting down.  It's not safe for her.  She laid on the couch and sobbed quietly for about 30 minutes.  Nobody acted like they saw her.

I know she sometimes truly has emotional outbursts for reasons that she should have attention for, but crying for 30 minutes because you get caught doing something wrong is not one of them.  How long is it going to take for her to learn?

Cody called me on Friday while we had Joshua at Chuck E Cheese to tell me that he as decided to move to his Mom's.  I'm not too sure that is the right plan for him, but he's determined and we're not going to stop him.  I don't know if I think he'll come back or not, but I explained to him that when he goes, he will lose his bedroom.  I can't in good conscience have a child sleeping in an open dining room when I have an empty bedroom.  He was also told that he can go and if it's not what he thinks and he's miserable, he can come back once.   But only once.  If he goes again after that, he can't come back.  We are not going to play musical houses like that.  It's not ok.

Jacob is just normal ole Jacob.  Nothing unusual or different there.  He works out, he hangs with friends, he plays video games and he loves his Mama.

Joshua's the same way, but add in playing with Max.  :-)

Oh, I am going to go to Vegas this weekend for a week.  We are going to visit family out there and I'm so excited!  I'm taking my niece and nephew home who have been staying with my in laws for a few weeks.  I can't wait!  I've never been and on the way back, we're going to go to the Grand Canyon.  I have always wanted to see it.  Now that I have an awesome camera, I'll be taking some awesome pictures.  So exciting!

A Week Off

I am so thankful for the quiet. I love all the kids, but its ok to be happy with a break. Silence is beautiful.

Summer Visit

We have decided to leave it up to Emily's therapist as to whether or not she goes to visit her mom next week. Is it selfish of me to kind of hope she can go? I think I need a chance to miss her a little bit.

What Are We Supposed To Do?

That is not written in upset or anguish. I won't go there. I just don't know what to do with her. She just told me that she cut again. Last night. I also caught her having used Codys Facebook to try to find her friends and boyfriend. I know she wants to go back to the first hospital, but I just don't want her to. Davids sleeping, so I can't talk to him.

My mother

I can't believe I haven't written all of this down.

I am not speaking to my mother.  Well, she's not speaking to me, I guess.  I don't know.  I don't understand her at all.  Well, I guess that's not true.  I understand her better than most people do honestly.  I think I see more than my dad if you wanna get real.

The very first weekend that Emily had been in the first hospital and she was out on outpatient stuff for the weekend, they kept Josh for me while we went to visit friends out of town.  We were planning to leave on Friday evening after the kids got out of school, but since David was off, and Emily was going to be home for the weekend, we decided to stay home that Friday night and just leave Saturday morning.  I didn't feel comfortable taking both Emily and Joshua with me.  I needed to be able to have a place for both of them.  I certainly couldn't leave Emily anywhere, so Mom and Dad said Josh could spend the night with them.  The next day was going to be Mother's Day.

On Saturday morning, I took him over and he was so very excited.  Emily and Jake stayed in the car.  I walked in with Josh and got him settled.  On my way out, Mom was coming back from the van, having talked with Jacob.  He had gotten out to talk to her and hadn't gotten back in yet.  I asked her if she had spoken to Emily and she started telling me that Emily was "doing stupid" and she didn't talk to "stupid".  I got upset and told her that she didn't need to be cruel about it and she said she wasn't going to talk to her at all.  I was very, very upset.  If Joshua hadn't been so very excited about staying and I would have crushed him, I would have gone back in and pulled him out with me.  I probably should have anyway, but didn't see a way to do it without breaking his heart.

The next morning, we headed back to Mom's pretty early to get Josh.  Jacob was reading a book and ready to go home.  Emily was sleeping.  I went in to get Joshua alone.  He of course, didn't want to leave, but I got his stuff and him headed out to the car.  Mom asked where the other two kids were and why I didn't bring them in.  What?  That just didn't make sense.  I told her I wouldn't bring Emily in her house with the way she was treating her.  It wasn't an option.  She started asking me to just "listen to her for a minute".  I told her no, I wouldn't.  I didn't want to hear anything out of her mouth except an apology.  I was not going to listen to her excuse her behavior with some explanation.  I've done that so many times and let things go.  My Dad was telling me that I was making a mistake, overreacting and being disrespectful to her.  I told him that no, I wasn't making a mistake or overreacting and I was not being disrespectful, but drawing a boundary line that I would not make the mistake of making a fuzzy line again.  I should have done it years ago and didn't.

We left.  I didn't talk to them again until a couple of days before my graduation.  I called Dad to see if they were still coming and he said he had planned to call me that day.  They came and she didn't even speak to me.  She acknowledged me and acknowledged Emily, but not with speaking to us.  After the graduation was over, Karleigh was asking to go out to lunch.  Mom said no, she didn't feel well and was going home.  She went outside without another word and Dad huffed and followed.  A while later, Dad came back in and asked me if he could take us to lunch.  I asked if he was sure and he said he was.  We went to lunch, but she didn't speak to me at all.

It was that night that Emily cut again and ended up back at the Center.

I have seen them on two more occasions.  The first was Allison's graduation.  She didn't speak to me.  The second was her house for my grandparents' 60th anniversary dinner.  I couldn't exactly miss that, and had to take Emily with me, but we had Connie and Rosie with us.  It wasn't too bad since the whole entire family, including Granny Franny was there.  She didn't speak to me again.

I sent her a Happy Birthday text on her birthday and she said thank you.

That's been about it.  It's sad, but I'm not upset or angry anymore at all.  Just sad.  I feel so isolated sometimes and I know that has some to do with it.  I can't talk about anything to them without being criticized.  I mentioned to Dad that we were going to wait to do our 3rd year of school and he was really negative and said we wouldn't go if we didn't go now.  How is he supposed to know what the Lord has planned for us?  It's all just sad.  So sad.

Ugh.

I am so tired of Cody's attitude.  I just cannot understand why he is like he is.  It is infuriating.  I can't even put it into words.

I saw on his Facebook where he was discussing with his mother about moving back down there.  She is dangling a new house and music oriented school in front of him.  He told her he would talk to us about it but hasn't yet.  I believe if he goes it will be pretty-much a huge mistake.  He has no idea what he would be getting in to.  And Emily.  It would totally mess things up for her.  Josh wouldn't be near as close to him.  He just has no idea.  I'm thinking, though, that since he hasn't brought it up to us, he may have not decided to go.  Jacob said he spoke to him about it and all he could really do was stay neutral.  Jacob is a good kid to do that.  

Sometimes I daydream about only having Josh and Jacob here.  I know that's selfish and not what I really want.  I usually squash them pretty quick when I start down that path.  I know the dangers of renewing my mind to a way of thinking.  I know it would be horrible for both of them, and especially David.  It would be basically sending them to their destruction.  And I do love them.  It is so very hard to walk this out.  So hard.  And I have nobody to talk with about it.  It just comes out as frustrated griping.  And I don't feel like anybody really even cares.

Their mother called me the other day to ask what had happened with Emily going to the hospital this weekend.  I told her about it and all that had occurred in a little more detail.  She asked me if they were going to do any psychological testing on her.  I very nearly came through the phone.  It makes me so angry that she wants a label for her.  I told her that there is nothing wrong with Emily.  She was having a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way and that was the truth of it.  She was testing boundaries and trying to manipulate and at her age can go to quite the extremes.  As we have been seeing.  But it boils down to no more than a temper tantrum.  Truly and honestly.  And I do believe she has some issues to work through.  So do I.  So does everybody.  Emily hasn't been given firm boundaries to operate within and now that she has them, she has to test them.  And she is.  That's the bottom line.  Her mother was silent after that.  I don't think that's the end of that conversation, though.  It is not the first time she's asked about that. Or the second, third, fourth or countless more.

A letter to Emily's therapist

Saturday evening, we went to church.  After church, we went to Walmart.  She and Cody (her bio brother) were both bored with Walmart and irritated at having to be there.  He gets like that sometimes when he would rather be other places, and normally deals with it by just going to a bench somewhere or to the electronics dept until it's time to go.  Usually, it's no big deal, and really wasn't a big deal Saturday, but when he and Emily are together, they tend to feed off of each other and it feels kinda' like they're teaming up or something.  

After Walmart, we were driving home and her Mom texted me asking if Emily was ok because she was sending a lot of angry emails to her.  I asked Emily and she brushed me off with an "I'm fine".  I called her out on it because she wasn't being consistent.  She was telling her mother one thing and me another.  She got immediately angry.  I pressed her because she's been taught that she can't run from the difficult conversations.  She shut down and said that she wasn't going to talk to me.  She made comments about us taking everything away from her and voluntarily gave me her phone back.  She said she was fine meaning she wasn't going to do anything, but she was angry.  

During the conversation with her mother, we discovered that Emily had been trying to manipulate a situation and get permission to be talking to a friend in San Antonio.  She was telling me that her Mom said she would be able to talk to her, when her Mom said she would definitely not be able to talk to her.  Emily got a bit more angry with that being uncovered.  

Once we were home, she went straight to her bed.  After a little bit, she got up to use the restroom and I followed her.  There are no sharp objects in her room, so I wasn't concerned about her being in there in the dark in her bed.  She wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge me, so I followed her back to her room.  I was not comfortable with her being alone at this point at all.  I am a little fuzzy on the order of things, but she was very weepy and dramatically crying.  She kept telling me to take her to the place where she feels safe.  She told me over and over to take her back there.  She wouldn't tell me the name of the Seay Center for some reason.  I felt like she was trying to control the conversation in any way she could by trying to force me to say it first.  Every so often, she would try to curl up in a ball to go to sleep and I wouldn't let her.  I told her she couldn't do that until we got done with our situation.  She can't just check out.  It made her angrier and angrier.  At one point, I physically had to sit her back up.  I talked to her Dad about this because I don't want anything physical with her, but she simply cannot ignore things and check out.  He said to dump ice water on her when she layed back down.  So I did.  She stayed sitting up, but kept telling me to take her to where she felt safe.  I explained to her that I don't have the authority to put her in there and her Dad was at work.  She got angrier and angrier and ended up throwing things at me and kicking me.  She threw her lamp against the wall and broke the light bulb.  She ended up picking up glass and cutting herself.  I know she simply did this because she couldn't get me to do what she wanted.  I couldn't take the glass away from her without hurting her or me, so I called the police.  She calmed herself down once she knew they were coming and even got up and changed her clothes.  She has never gotten physical with violence like that before, and I really felt like she was just trying to take it to whatever extreme she could so she was in control of the situation.  At that point, I felt like she had backed me into a power struggle. 

Once the police came and her Dad came home from work, the police transported her to Green Oaks for the night.  We decided that we did not want her to go back to the Seay Center, if for no other reason than that she doesn't need to have the power to call the shots like that.  She had to go in a squad car because we needed to be sure she couldn't flip out on the drive down there.  The policeman wouldn't take her unless she wore handcuffs, so it wasn't really a pleasant ride for her.

Green Oaks discharged her Sunday afternoon to us.  She came home and apologized to me.  We have had a talk and a few tears and hugs.  She has been a little clingy to me since then, seeming to look for assurances that she can still get affection from me and a little bit of security.  She has even asked to sleep with me tonight.  I've reassured her that she is loved and nothing will change that.  I also have told her that those things aren't her, they are the result of the decisions she makes to dwell on the wrong thoughts.  She says she understands that.  

We really believe that even with this happening this weekend, we're still definitely headed in the right direction.  You helped me realize that as she adjusts to the security here, she will have more and more things uncovered to deal with and that's ok.  They all need to be aired out and taken care of.  I believe that these instances will be fewer and farther between as we keep plowing along.  

Also, we decided to take anything out of her room that could be used to chunk at somebody or that she could use to hurt herself.  We had kinda' stayed with the sharp object rule, but this went beyond that.  She basically has clothes, her bed and a few stuffed animals.  She has her journal and can write in it whenever she wants, but will have to come ask me for a pen and then give it back.  She escalated things with getting physical, and for us to know she's safe in her room, we felt like that was our option.

Another Hospital

We just took Emily to another hospital. Well, actually, she rode with our town's finest. Hard to swallow. She had a difficult night, followed by getting physical with me, followed by the cops coming, followed by the emts coming, followed by a new facility. What's next?

Thoughts

We are talking about putting 3rd year of school on hold. I had a very hard time with the idea of it last night, but its sounding more reasonable as we go along. Emily doesn't need to be alone in the mornings. David wants to work full time and see the kids more. Can't blame him there at all. And honestly, homeschooling two kids and going to school while running the house sounds exhausting. Completely. And I wanna be more present at home. I want to see the boys off in the mornings and be able to be with Emily and Josh all morning. Our finances would certainly be in better shape. I would have a lot more freedom and could take better care of our house. We would also be free to be available to our church. We are supposed to become care pastors and that's another responsability on Davids plate. Logically speaking, it makes more sense. I am going to be waiting on the Lord for confirmation. I know He will give it of course.

18 Years

I would have been married to my first husband 18 years today. I regret a lot of things, but I wouldn't go back and change anything. I love my husband and all our kids. I love our life and how full it is. I regret a lot, but wouldn't change it.

Something Was Up

We got some stuff hammered out last night.  We went to hang out with Monika and Jenna.  Well, Jenna spent the night with us and hung out all day.  Monika bought Taco Bell.  It was fun.  After dinner, we hung at their house until pretty late.  Monika and I went in her room to chat some and Josh was watching TV.  About time to go, we came out and the girls were outside lying on the driveway looking at the stars.  Emily was obviously (to me) crying.  Monika and Jenna went inside and Emily and I talked for a while.  She was explaining that she felt really sad and that there weren't really bad thoughts, she was just sad.  She had a little cry and we talked some more.  I told her how proud I was that she chose to cry and talk rather than cut and internalize.  Progress.  Definitely good progress.  She had an appointment with Lana today and that went well, also.  She is doing really good!

On a completely different note, a girl from school called me today to tell me about a revelation God gave her for/about me.  I wanted to type it out somewhere so I have it and don't forget.  She said she was lying on the couch snoozing/watching TV.  In her vision, she saw me at a table with beautiful fabrics - fabrics that you don't see here in the colors of Heaven.  She said the lace on the fabrics wasn't even laces like we see here.  Really beautiful stuff.  And I was working with it.  There was an angel with me giving me direct instructions about what to do with the fabrics and how to do it.  She said it was difficult work, but it was a ministry and it had to do with women and girls.  Like adolescents age girls.  She said that David was in the vision also, but he wasn't involved in what I was doing.  She said that he tried to pull something alongside what I was doing and it wasn't successful, so it went away.  She said she needed to just tell me what she saw like she saw it.  She said whatever my ministry is, we will be prosperous through this.  It would earn/make a lot of income for our family. It would be like a job for me, but a ministry.  She prayed with me against whatever hindrances could come against it manifesting, and that it would manifest quickly.

I can totally see what she meant by David doing that.  It's nothing bad about my husband...I adore him, but he tends to be a little jealous when something comes up that is for me that doesn't include him.  He deals with it, but it's hard on him.  I understand because I do the same with him.  When I told him about the vision, I didn't tell him about his part.  He had a hard time with just what I told him because he said it's hard not to feel jealous.  And I really, truly understand.

I have no idea what she is talking about.  I do know that when I first started school, I went to a ladies' meeting at church and God showed me a vision of myself speaking to about 100 women in the youth room at our church.  I kinda' thought that was a bit ridiculous, even though I knew it was from God and was very real.

I know this girl well, and trust the Holy Spirit in her.  I believe that what she told me will be confirmed as time goes on.  I don't know how or when, but I'll be on the lookout for that confirmation.  I know it'd be great if it would come soon because we are going to either need something to put our hands to that is lucrative, or another financial miracle very soon.  We aren't going to have the funds to make it through the summer and we are not in a position for me to go to work with Emily and Joshua here.  We might make it work with just Josh, but not with Emily.  She cannot be left alone.  It sure would be easy to go work at Walmart or back at Albertson's, though.

Something Is Up

I can feel it. The other day, I got Emily some music downloaded to her ipod. She's a music lover and that's fine of course. Since then, I have been seeing something brewing in her eyes. I'm not afraid, but at the same time I'm feeling like the Holy Spirit is saying to brace ourselves. We had company all weekend. Rosy and Connie came Thursday and left Monday morning. It's almost 2am on Tuesday morning, so I can't say this morning really. Anyway, Emily has been hanging with them all weekend and I thought doing well. She has been reading and just hanging out today. Tonight we went to Monika's for bible study and Jenna came home with is for the night. Emily has been easily irritated. During the middle of a conversation at monikas, she started asking to stop by Walmart on the way home for some headphones. I told her no and I know she didn't like it. She asked several times. Tonight she was journaling. I followed her when she got up to take her journal to her room. She was getting all her notes from people from the hospital out and putting them in the journal. I talked with her a few minutes and voiced my concerns. She assures me she's ok. I went back later to read the journal entry and it is all about how she suffers and cries for so many people. I talked with David some and will sit down with her tomorrow about it all and we shall see where it all goes. I was putting together the fact that her look changed when she got her music and David thinks that's because she's listening to music that is bringing up memories. I bet he's right.

Here we are again

I'm learning and learning and re-learning how not to worry.


I know that we need a financial miracle right now.  We've needed them before and they've always come through.  I don't know how or when, but we will get another one.  


We have so much stuff that needs to be paid for right now.  We have basically all our bills and now our mortgage.  The GI bill wasn't enough to pay for the mortgage.  Combined with the VA Disability, it is, but not and pay other bills too.  I had already set up our AT&T phone bill to come out of that account when it hit, so some of that is already gone.  Plus, I had to set up a payday advance to Wells Fargo so that it could cover Jose's money that we owed him.  So now, David's paycheck that hit last Friday was immediately docked $200.00.  


Our water, electric and gas bills are due right now, along with the mortgage payment.


We have seen so many financial miracles, that I don't even understand why I would even begin to worry.  


We've had to spend so much money on Emily in the past month that it's ridiculous.  And there's more needed coming up.  Every doctor's visit is $30.  Every prescription is $25.  Every therapist's session is $25.  


God already has provision in place for us.  It's right where we need it, right when we need it.  He also has the exact, perfect amount set out.


There are some things I know God showed me in my spirit.  When all this started, and our house first went into foreclosure, way back when, I had been driving and praying in the spirit about it.  I had a little communion thingy in my purse (need more of those), and felt I should take it.  I saw a vision of our house (I wish I could draw it).  It was a cartoon-looking drawing of our house.  Our house was covered by a plant that came up out of the middle of it and its huge leaves were overlapping each other and making a covering that anything that hit would roll off like water.  I could also see under the ground and there was an amazing, huge root system.  I know our house is covered.  I know it's a safe place.  


1 Timothy 5:8 says...But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 


My sweet husband used to really struggle with this verse.  God showed him that He Himself (God) is worse than an infidel if He does not provide for those of His own house.  


(I don't know why I can't get the font to match up, but I can't.  Oh, well.)


Just thinking this morning.  Josh is up now, so I'm gonna snuggle before everybody else gets up.  :-) 

Friday

I took Emily to hopefully her last Friday at the behavioral health clinic. Hopefully. Josh and I are at chickfila for breakfast. Yesterday I ended up having to spank him twice for pooping his pants. After praying about it, I decided to bribe him with m&ms. So, after a discussion about it being his choice to get m&ms or a spanking, he pooped in the potty without getting any in his pants this morning. We are on our way to Walmart for his m&ms when we are done here. After Walmart, we are going to hang with Gingerbread until time to pick up Emily at 4. Speaking of Emily, I feel like there's something brewing. I don't think she's intentionally planning anything, but I feel like she has the attitude or even maybe just a habit of keeping a watch out for any opportunity to be dramatic or cause a scene. I don't know what to do with that. I don't believe she would act on anything right now because she wants to see her mom this weekend. But after that, I think she'll see the emotional freefall from her mom going home as her excuse to do whatever she wants to cope. She at least has one more day, Tuesday, at the center before they discharge her completely. We shall see.

Posting From My Phone

If this works well, its gonna be really cool! So far I like the layout. Gonna post a random picture to see how it looks. I'll find one of Max. I won't be posting many, but every once in a while, it will be nice.

Her story in the laundry

I am doing laundry today.  Emily is outpatient again.  Joshua is still pooping his pants.  David is sleeping and working nights, but he's off today.  Cody is frustrated and agitated with Emily for her "drama" as he puts it, but doesn't really get where it comes from.  Jacob is just Jacob.  He's worrying about how to make Connie happy this weekend and spending time with his friends.  I am not going to try to give backgrounds on things so much as just type what's happening in me today.

I am learning that the Word is the substance of all things...thanks to Mike Miller's ability to teach the revelation he's received through the Holy Spirit.  I am so thankful for all that I'm learning.  If it weren't for his teaching called Been There, Done That, I would definitely be falling apart.  He's my new favorite.  I love being taught and am thankful for awesome teaching in my life.  I remember praying and asking God to please just bring me some teachers who teach the Word and not just find scripture to back up their denomination's doctrines.  Now there are so many available to me that I don't know what to do with all of them.  There's not enough time in the day for all I want to listen to and search out.

Thank you, God for abundance.  Thank you that you are the God of abundance.

In doing laundry, Joshua normally "helps" me.  He loves to put the clothes and soap in.  He usually helps me check pockets and start the machines.  It broke my heart today to have to tell him that he couldn't help me with Emily's clothes.  I was nervous about him accidentally finding a razor blade or something like it.  She's left them in pockets before.  That's awful that I should have to be concerned about razor blades in my 12 year old's laundry.  Nuts, I tell you.  Nuts.

I did find an interesting writing that she did.  I thought I'd type it here so it would be around for a while.  It's all written in blue marker on white printer paper.  She wrote it while she was inpatient the other day.  I do have another story she wrote that won't be read by anybody.

I walk out of the forest, the one I've been lost in my whole life,
I walk into a meadow, a beautiful meadow.
A meadow full of flowers and fruits.
As I walk along, I notice jars full of water.
Curious, I bend down and pick one up.
It shatters in my hands and spills into a beautiful lake.
I stare at the blood in my hands and realize this is my heart.
Split and shattered into pieces.
I look over at the lake and realize these are the tears I've cried.
Shaking my head, I move along
I move along to a patch of flowers.
I bend down and touch one.
At my touch, it burns and darkens into ash.
I feel the ash with my hands and realize these are my dreams.
Never to come true.
Tears slipping down my face,
I look up at the sky and watch the sky darken.
I realize this is my hope.
Darkening into nothing.
Looking away from the pain, I walk back into the forest I'll forever be lost in.
I walk into the place that will forever leave a black hole in my heart.
<|3 -Emily- The more I stay, the more I suffer.

You know, when I read this, I can see different times when she's been in that forest and then times when she's been in the meadow.  I can see how that is a good analogy of the way she thinks.  After she cut Saturday afternoon, I saw her walk back into the forest.  Her eyes simply said she just didn't care.  She cried for a bit and was very shaken, but then just checked out.  She obviously went into this place inside of her that was a forest of "I don't care".  I guess it's her "I don't care forest".  I saw when she was falling apart crying that she was seeing the surroundings she described earlier, then the sky went dark and she walked into the forest.

Hopefully, we can cut down some trees and let some light in.

Emily

We've had some changes in our house.  Emily came to live with us a few weeks ago.  We put her in the school here in town and she did fine for a few days.  About a week in, she decided to cut at recess.  She was doing it with an audience and one of the boys asked her if it hurt and she said no, so he asked her to cut him too.  She did.

Of course the principal was calling rather quickly for us to come get her.  She said she couldn't allow Emily back at school for at least 3 days, and then it would need to be re-evaluated.  We took her for a psychiatric evaluation that evening.  Our stance was sort of that she was just trying to get attention, impulsive and didn't really know how big what she did could get.  With that, we thought our best recourse would be to have her checked out.  I took her to the only one I knew for sure was on her insurance.  They decided to admit her inpatient.  Ok.  Shock to me.

During the admitting, we discovered some things we had no idea about.  We didn't even know to ask them up front, really.  We have been so clueless.  Anyway, Emily said that about a year ago, she tried to kill herself by taking too many pills.  She said her mother knew about it, having found out several weeks prior when she was admitted to an outpatient program in the city she lived before here.  She also admitted to having cut a year prior and that was known, also.  We were led to believe that the cutting was a recent development and that her mother found out about it the day before we did.  Not during admission, but just a couple of days before everything really hit the fan, I asked Emily and she told me that she has had sex with two different partners.

Her Dad had to come sign her in because I am not a legal guardian.  He ended up missing work that night because he was up way too long to stay up all night.

I ended up going to group therapy the next morning without him because of his schedule.  On the way there, I was praying about her and a bit upset.  I was telling God that I just didn't sign up for all this mess.  He reminded me quietly that I did.  He said that step kids are the same as adopted kids.  I chose them when I married their dad and I will continue to choose them for the rest of our lives.  They didn't get a choice in the matter, but I did and I can't go back on that.  I saw in a moment the similarities to His choosing me.  It doesn't matter what I do or how I am, He chose me and continues to choose me.  It's easy to continue to choose Emily when I see how that works with Him and me.  She is my child and I love her.  And I want her.  Anyway, once I saw all that in a flash, He told me to tell her that.  When I got there for group therapy/visitation, I told her.  She seemed to get it and appreciated it.

Since that day, we've been outpatient twice and we're on our third inpatient admission.  She went back again last night.  She's been with us now for 3 1/2 weeks and most of that has been with her at the hospital.

We've so far learned a lot and I still have a lot to write about, but I'll have to do it later.  That is, of course, if I don't forget.

I am so frustrated

****Edited May 20, 2012 - I didn't pay attention to when this was originally written, but it was in a few months ago and was in my saved drafts:  Though I was angry and felt these things that follow in that moment, I never really, truly wanted to leave my life.  That was just fumes.  I love my life, kids, husband and the dog.  Most of all, I'm in love with my Lord, Jesus.  He has proven himself faithful in every way.  It's not healthy to vent like I did here.  I've learned that the things you vent, grow.  I wrote below that I felt like I would implode.  I won't implode.  Not at all.  It's more like, if I don't let those things out, they will implode - the things themselves.  The way to handle that would have been to shoot God's word at it.  To bring those thoughts captive unto Christ by countering them with what He says is true, not my feelings.  I feel so silly reading this mess, but feel that I need to post the truth of what was going on at the time.  I'll have a new post to post in just a bit.  So many things have happened...it's ridiculous to think how fast things can change.****

I don't even know how to put it into words.  I'm fuming.  I don't know how much mad I am and how frustrated I am.  Either one works.

I can sit here and point fingers and say all this crap about how pissed I am, but it really doesn't matter.  I feel like the frickin maid.  That's it.  I have kids who I bend over backward for and they don't give a rat's butt about anything.  I hate it right now.  I hate being here and just want to leave.  I don't want anything to do with my life right now.  I need a break and I need out.  I am miserable in this moment.

God, I am so angry.  I feel like you are really ignoring me.  Where is your provision that you've promised?  Where is it?  I spend each day plodding forward to do what you want and here I sit.  Our house is in foreclosure.  Our money is gone.  Foodstamps aren't even coming for several weeks.  We've bounced a check to the school.  This is ridiculous.  What am I not doing?  It's obviously not in seeking you because all I do is seek you.  All I do is go the direction you sent me.  I can't even provide a birthday present to my son! 

Now I just feel stupid.  I know how blessed we are to live where we do and have the things we have.  I know my kids are good.  My husband's good.  AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Why?  What is it?  Where is the abundance you say you have for me?  It's not about money.  It's really not.  I want to be able to do things for people and you are not supplying the means to do that.  You said you would! 

Seriously. Thoughts of leaving are so prevalent.  I have nobody to talk to.  I can't tell this stuff to anybody.  I'm going to implode. 

Is this a pity party?  I don't even care.  I just flat don't give a crap anymore.  I just want a break and I want to leave.  I don't want school anymore.  I just don't even want to get out of bed. 

No wonder people don't make it in you.  I am wrong, I know, of course.  I know the truths about you.  But I also know where I sit right now and that is not in your truth.  It would be easier to just walk away and do whatever feels good right now.  Right now it would feel good to just walk out the door and keep walking.