I am doing laundry today. Emily is outpatient again. Joshua is still pooping his pants. David is sleeping and working nights, but he's off today. Cody is frustrated and agitated with Emily for her "drama" as he puts it, but doesn't really get where it comes from. Jacob is just Jacob. He's worrying about how to make Connie happy this weekend and spending time with his friends. I am not going to try to give backgrounds on things so much as just type what's happening in me today.
I am learning that the Word is the substance of all things...thanks to Mike Miller's ability to teach the revelation he's received through the Holy Spirit. I am so thankful for all that I'm learning. If it weren't for his teaching called Been There, Done That, I would definitely be falling apart. He's my new favorite. I love being taught and am thankful for awesome teaching in my life. I remember praying and asking God to please just bring me some teachers who teach the Word and not just find scripture to back up their denomination's doctrines. Now there are so many available to me that I don't know what to do with all of them. There's not enough time in the day for all I want to listen to and search out.
Thank you, God for abundance. Thank you that you are the God of abundance.
In doing laundry, Joshua normally "helps" me. He loves to put the clothes and soap in. He usually helps me check pockets and start the machines. It broke my heart today to have to tell him that he couldn't help me with Emily's clothes. I was nervous about him accidentally finding a razor blade or something like it. She's left them in pockets before. That's awful that I should have to be concerned about razor blades in my 12 year old's laundry. Nuts, I tell you. Nuts.
I did find an interesting writing that she did. I thought I'd type it here so it would be around for a while. It's all written in blue marker on white printer paper. She wrote it while she was inpatient the other day. I do have another story she wrote that won't be read by anybody.
I walk out of the forest, the one I've been lost in my whole life,
I walk into a meadow, a beautiful meadow.
A meadow full of flowers and fruits.
As I walk along, I notice jars full of water.
Curious, I bend down and pick one up.
It shatters in my hands and spills into a beautiful lake.
I stare at the blood in my hands and realize this is my heart.
Split and shattered into pieces.
I look over at the lake and realize these are the tears I've cried.
Shaking my head, I move along
I move along to a patch of flowers.
I bend down and touch one.
At my touch, it burns and darkens into ash.
I feel the ash with my hands and realize these are my dreams.
Never to come true.
Tears slipping down my face,
I look up at the sky and watch the sky darken.
I realize this is my hope.
Darkening into nothing.
Looking away from the pain, I walk back into the forest I'll forever be lost in.
I walk into the place that will forever leave a black hole in my heart.
<|3 -Emily- The more I stay, the more I suffer.
You know, when I read this, I can see different times when she's been in that forest and then times when she's been in the meadow. I can see how that is a good analogy of the way she thinks. After she cut Saturday afternoon, I saw her walk back into the forest. Her eyes simply said she just didn't care. She cried for a bit and was very shaken, but then just checked out. She obviously went into this place inside of her that was a forest of "I don't care". I guess it's her "I don't care forest". I saw when she was falling apart crying that she was seeing the surroundings she described earlier, then the sky went dark and she walked into the forest.
Hopefully, we can cut down some trees and let some light in.
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