I am so frustrated

****Edited May 20, 2012 - I didn't pay attention to when this was originally written, but it was in a few months ago and was in my saved drafts:  Though I was angry and felt these things that follow in that moment, I never really, truly wanted to leave my life.  That was just fumes.  I love my life, kids, husband and the dog.  Most of all, I'm in love with my Lord, Jesus.  He has proven himself faithful in every way.  It's not healthy to vent like I did here.  I've learned that the things you vent, grow.  I wrote below that I felt like I would implode.  I won't implode.  Not at all.  It's more like, if I don't let those things out, they will implode - the things themselves.  The way to handle that would have been to shoot God's word at it.  To bring those thoughts captive unto Christ by countering them with what He says is true, not my feelings.  I feel so silly reading this mess, but feel that I need to post the truth of what was going on at the time.  I'll have a new post to post in just a bit.  So many things have happened...it's ridiculous to think how fast things can change.****

I don't even know how to put it into words.  I'm fuming.  I don't know how much mad I am and how frustrated I am.  Either one works.

I can sit here and point fingers and say all this crap about how pissed I am, but it really doesn't matter.  I feel like the frickin maid.  That's it.  I have kids who I bend over backward for and they don't give a rat's butt about anything.  I hate it right now.  I hate being here and just want to leave.  I don't want anything to do with my life right now.  I need a break and I need out.  I am miserable in this moment.

God, I am so angry.  I feel like you are really ignoring me.  Where is your provision that you've promised?  Where is it?  I spend each day plodding forward to do what you want and here I sit.  Our house is in foreclosure.  Our money is gone.  Foodstamps aren't even coming for several weeks.  We've bounced a check to the school.  This is ridiculous.  What am I not doing?  It's obviously not in seeking you because all I do is seek you.  All I do is go the direction you sent me.  I can't even provide a birthday present to my son! 

Now I just feel stupid.  I know how blessed we are to live where we do and have the things we have.  I know my kids are good.  My husband's good.  AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Why?  What is it?  Where is the abundance you say you have for me?  It's not about money.  It's really not.  I want to be able to do things for people and you are not supplying the means to do that.  You said you would! 

Seriously. Thoughts of leaving are so prevalent.  I have nobody to talk to.  I can't tell this stuff to anybody.  I'm going to implode. 

Is this a pity party?  I don't even care.  I just flat don't give a crap anymore.  I just want a break and I want to leave.  I don't want school anymore.  I just don't even want to get out of bed. 

No wonder people don't make it in you.  I am wrong, I know, of course.  I know the truths about you.  But I also know where I sit right now and that is not in your truth.  It would be easier to just walk away and do whatever feels good right now.  Right now it would feel good to just walk out the door and keep walking.