God will give me the courage to live and the love I need.
I know He speaks to me.
I know I have my faults, but I'm still beautiful.
Life isn't easy, but it's a gift we have to accept.
He'll speak to me in my dreams and love me endlessly.
He is my Father who I'll worship forever.
He is my Savior who I'll love forever.
Oh, God, show me who I am.
I love how she described the Holy Spirit, the Father and Jesus, all three in this. I know we still have a lot of ground to cover, but she is certainly headed in the right direction. Most of the little blurbs she writes like this are dark and dreary. This one is certainly not.
I love it!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Crazy summer
I had a wonderful week of silence last week. Joshua and I did exactly what we wanted, when we wanted, which really consisted of being at home a lot. It was really nice. Jacob was home for a few days, and then he was gone to his grandmother's for the end of the week. The kids all came home on Sunday, and it's life back to full-tilt busy again.
Emily has been acting strangely mellow this week and I figured out why. She has a Facebook account under a different email. Nice try, Missy. I think this Facebook account has been her outlet for the drama that she is addicted to. And as most addicts are, when they are getting their fix in, she has been content. Her mother said she had a near perfect week down there. I got on her Facebook just today and she opened it and started all her conversations on July 3, so while she was down there.
As soon as she saw that I knew about it, she retreated to our bathroom to cry. We had company in from out of town and I guess she wasn't going to do it in front of them. I think she was really trying just to get control of the situation because she texted me from the bathroom telling me that she knows I saw it and would I just come back there and talk to her about it. I told her no, not right then. A little after that, I went back to the bathroom to tell her she couldn't sit back there by herself and she needed to come back to the living room. She was also told she couldn't retreat to her bedroom to be alone. She does not have the privilege of being alone, especially when she's melting down. It's not safe for her. She laid on the couch and sobbed quietly for about 30 minutes. Nobody acted like they saw her.
I know she sometimes truly has emotional outbursts for reasons that she should have attention for, but crying for 30 minutes because you get caught doing something wrong is not one of them. How long is it going to take for her to learn?
Cody called me on Friday while we had Joshua at Chuck E Cheese to tell me that he as decided to move to his Mom's. I'm not too sure that is the right plan for him, but he's determined and we're not going to stop him. I don't know if I think he'll come back or not, but I explained to him that when he goes, he will lose his bedroom. I can't in good conscience have a child sleeping in an open dining room when I have an empty bedroom. He was also told that he can go and if it's not what he thinks and he's miserable, he can come back once. But only once. If he goes again after that, he can't come back. We are not going to play musical houses like that. It's not ok.
Jacob is just normal ole Jacob. Nothing unusual or different there. He works out, he hangs with friends, he plays video games and he loves his Mama.
Joshua's the same way, but add in playing with Max. :-)
Oh, I am going to go to Vegas this weekend for a week. We are going to visit family out there and I'm so excited! I'm taking my niece and nephew home who have been staying with my in laws for a few weeks. I can't wait! I've never been and on the way back, we're going to go to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it. Now that I have an awesome camera, I'll be taking some awesome pictures. So exciting!
Emily has been acting strangely mellow this week and I figured out why. She has a Facebook account under a different email. Nice try, Missy. I think this Facebook account has been her outlet for the drama that she is addicted to. And as most addicts are, when they are getting their fix in, she has been content. Her mother said she had a near perfect week down there. I got on her Facebook just today and she opened it and started all her conversations on July 3, so while she was down there.
As soon as she saw that I knew about it, she retreated to our bathroom to cry. We had company in from out of town and I guess she wasn't going to do it in front of them. I think she was really trying just to get control of the situation because she texted me from the bathroom telling me that she knows I saw it and would I just come back there and talk to her about it. I told her no, not right then. A little after that, I went back to the bathroom to tell her she couldn't sit back there by herself and she needed to come back to the living room. She was also told she couldn't retreat to her bedroom to be alone. She does not have the privilege of being alone, especially when she's melting down. It's not safe for her. She laid on the couch and sobbed quietly for about 30 minutes. Nobody acted like they saw her.
I know she sometimes truly has emotional outbursts for reasons that she should have attention for, but crying for 30 minutes because you get caught doing something wrong is not one of them. How long is it going to take for her to learn?
Cody called me on Friday while we had Joshua at Chuck E Cheese to tell me that he as decided to move to his Mom's. I'm not too sure that is the right plan for him, but he's determined and we're not going to stop him. I don't know if I think he'll come back or not, but I explained to him that when he goes, he will lose his bedroom. I can't in good conscience have a child sleeping in an open dining room when I have an empty bedroom. He was also told that he can go and if it's not what he thinks and he's miserable, he can come back once. But only once. If he goes again after that, he can't come back. We are not going to play musical houses like that. It's not ok.
Jacob is just normal ole Jacob. Nothing unusual or different there. He works out, he hangs with friends, he plays video games and he loves his Mama.
Joshua's the same way, but add in playing with Max. :-)
Oh, I am going to go to Vegas this weekend for a week. We are going to visit family out there and I'm so excited! I'm taking my niece and nephew home who have been staying with my in laws for a few weeks. I can't wait! I've never been and on the way back, we're going to go to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it. Now that I have an awesome camera, I'll be taking some awesome pictures. So exciting!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A Week Off
I am so thankful for the quiet. I love all the kids, but its ok to be happy with a break. Silence is beautiful.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Summer Visit
We have decided to leave it up to Emily's therapist as to whether or not she goes to visit her mom next week. Is it selfish of me to kind of hope she can go? I think I need a chance to miss her a little bit.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
What Are We Supposed To Do?
That is not written in upset or anguish. I won't go there. I just don't know what to do with her. She just told me that she cut again. Last night. I also caught her having used Codys Facebook to try to find her friends and boyfriend. I know she wants to go back to the first hospital, but I just don't want her to. Davids sleeping, so I can't talk to him.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
My mother
I can't believe I haven't written all of this down.
I am not speaking to my mother. Well, she's not speaking to me, I guess. I don't know. I don't understand her at all. Well, I guess that's not true. I understand her better than most people do honestly. I think I see more than my dad if you wanna get real.
The very first weekend that Emily had been in the first hospital and she was out on outpatient stuff for the weekend, they kept Josh for me while we went to visit friends out of town. We were planning to leave on Friday evening after the kids got out of school, but since David was off, and Emily was going to be home for the weekend, we decided to stay home that Friday night and just leave Saturday morning. I didn't feel comfortable taking both Emily and Joshua with me. I needed to be able to have a place for both of them. I certainly couldn't leave Emily anywhere, so Mom and Dad said Josh could spend the night with them. The next day was going to be Mother's Day.
On Saturday morning, I took him over and he was so very excited. Emily and Jake stayed in the car. I walked in with Josh and got him settled. On my way out, Mom was coming back from the van, having talked with Jacob. He had gotten out to talk to her and hadn't gotten back in yet. I asked her if she had spoken to Emily and she started telling me that Emily was "doing stupid" and she didn't talk to "stupid". I got upset and told her that she didn't need to be cruel about it and she said she wasn't going to talk to her at all. I was very, very upset. If Joshua hadn't been so very excited about staying and I would have crushed him, I would have gone back in and pulled him out with me. I probably should have anyway, but didn't see a way to do it without breaking his heart.
The next morning, we headed back to Mom's pretty early to get Josh. Jacob was reading a book and ready to go home. Emily was sleeping. I went in to get Joshua alone. He of course, didn't want to leave, but I got his stuff and him headed out to the car. Mom asked where the other two kids were and why I didn't bring them in. What? That just didn't make sense. I told her I wouldn't bring Emily in her house with the way she was treating her. It wasn't an option. She started asking me to just "listen to her for a minute". I told her no, I wouldn't. I didn't want to hear anything out of her mouth except an apology. I was not going to listen to her excuse her behavior with some explanation. I've done that so many times and let things go. My Dad was telling me that I was making a mistake, overreacting and being disrespectful to her. I told him that no, I wasn't making a mistake or overreacting and I was not being disrespectful, but drawing a boundary line that I would not make the mistake of making a fuzzy line again. I should have done it years ago and didn't.
We left. I didn't talk to them again until a couple of days before my graduation. I called Dad to see if they were still coming and he said he had planned to call me that day. They came and she didn't even speak to me. She acknowledged me and acknowledged Emily, but not with speaking to us. After the graduation was over, Karleigh was asking to go out to lunch. Mom said no, she didn't feel well and was going home. She went outside without another word and Dad huffed and followed. A while later, Dad came back in and asked me if he could take us to lunch. I asked if he was sure and he said he was. We went to lunch, but she didn't speak to me at all.
It was that night that Emily cut again and ended up back at the Center.
I have seen them on two more occasions. The first was Allison's graduation. She didn't speak to me. The second was her house for my grandparents' 60th anniversary dinner. I couldn't exactly miss that, and had to take Emily with me, but we had Connie and Rosie with us. It wasn't too bad since the whole entire family, including Granny Franny was there. She didn't speak to me again.
I sent her a Happy Birthday text on her birthday and she said thank you.
That's been about it. It's sad, but I'm not upset or angry anymore at all. Just sad. I feel so isolated sometimes and I know that has some to do with it. I can't talk about anything to them without being criticized. I mentioned to Dad that we were going to wait to do our 3rd year of school and he was really negative and said we wouldn't go if we didn't go now. How is he supposed to know what the Lord has planned for us? It's all just sad. So sad.
I am not speaking to my mother. Well, she's not speaking to me, I guess. I don't know. I don't understand her at all. Well, I guess that's not true. I understand her better than most people do honestly. I think I see more than my dad if you wanna get real.
The very first weekend that Emily had been in the first hospital and she was out on outpatient stuff for the weekend, they kept Josh for me while we went to visit friends out of town. We were planning to leave on Friday evening after the kids got out of school, but since David was off, and Emily was going to be home for the weekend, we decided to stay home that Friday night and just leave Saturday morning. I didn't feel comfortable taking both Emily and Joshua with me. I needed to be able to have a place for both of them. I certainly couldn't leave Emily anywhere, so Mom and Dad said Josh could spend the night with them. The next day was going to be Mother's Day.
On Saturday morning, I took him over and he was so very excited. Emily and Jake stayed in the car. I walked in with Josh and got him settled. On my way out, Mom was coming back from the van, having talked with Jacob. He had gotten out to talk to her and hadn't gotten back in yet. I asked her if she had spoken to Emily and she started telling me that Emily was "doing stupid" and she didn't talk to "stupid". I got upset and told her that she didn't need to be cruel about it and she said she wasn't going to talk to her at all. I was very, very upset. If Joshua hadn't been so very excited about staying and I would have crushed him, I would have gone back in and pulled him out with me. I probably should have anyway, but didn't see a way to do it without breaking his heart.
The next morning, we headed back to Mom's pretty early to get Josh. Jacob was reading a book and ready to go home. Emily was sleeping. I went in to get Joshua alone. He of course, didn't want to leave, but I got his stuff and him headed out to the car. Mom asked where the other two kids were and why I didn't bring them in. What? That just didn't make sense. I told her I wouldn't bring Emily in her house with the way she was treating her. It wasn't an option. She started asking me to just "listen to her for a minute". I told her no, I wouldn't. I didn't want to hear anything out of her mouth except an apology. I was not going to listen to her excuse her behavior with some explanation. I've done that so many times and let things go. My Dad was telling me that I was making a mistake, overreacting and being disrespectful to her. I told him that no, I wasn't making a mistake or overreacting and I was not being disrespectful, but drawing a boundary line that I would not make the mistake of making a fuzzy line again. I should have done it years ago and didn't.
We left. I didn't talk to them again until a couple of days before my graduation. I called Dad to see if they were still coming and he said he had planned to call me that day. They came and she didn't even speak to me. She acknowledged me and acknowledged Emily, but not with speaking to us. After the graduation was over, Karleigh was asking to go out to lunch. Mom said no, she didn't feel well and was going home. She went outside without another word and Dad huffed and followed. A while later, Dad came back in and asked me if he could take us to lunch. I asked if he was sure and he said he was. We went to lunch, but she didn't speak to me at all.
It was that night that Emily cut again and ended up back at the Center.
I have seen them on two more occasions. The first was Allison's graduation. She didn't speak to me. The second was her house for my grandparents' 60th anniversary dinner. I couldn't exactly miss that, and had to take Emily with me, but we had Connie and Rosie with us. It wasn't too bad since the whole entire family, including Granny Franny was there. She didn't speak to me again.
I sent her a Happy Birthday text on her birthday and she said thank you.
That's been about it. It's sad, but I'm not upset or angry anymore at all. Just sad. I feel so isolated sometimes and I know that has some to do with it. I can't talk about anything to them without being criticized. I mentioned to Dad that we were going to wait to do our 3rd year of school and he was really negative and said we wouldn't go if we didn't go now. How is he supposed to know what the Lord has planned for us? It's all just sad. So sad.
Ugh.
I am so tired of Cody's attitude. I just cannot understand why he is like he is. It is infuriating. I can't even put it into words.
I saw on his Facebook where he was discussing with his mother about moving back down there. She is dangling a new house and music oriented school in front of him. He told her he would talk to us about it but hasn't yet. I believe if he goes it will be pretty-much a huge mistake. He has no idea what he would be getting in to. And Emily. It would totally mess things up for her. Josh wouldn't be near as close to him. He just has no idea. I'm thinking, though, that since he hasn't brought it up to us, he may have not decided to go. Jacob said he spoke to him about it and all he could really do was stay neutral. Jacob is a good kid to do that.
Sometimes I daydream about only having Josh and Jacob here. I know that's selfish and not what I really want. I usually squash them pretty quick when I start down that path. I know the dangers of renewing my mind to a way of thinking. I know it would be horrible for both of them, and especially David. It would be basically sending them to their destruction. And I do love them. It is so very hard to walk this out. So hard. And I have nobody to talk with about it. It just comes out as frustrated griping. And I don't feel like anybody really even cares.
Their mother called me the other day to ask what had happened with Emily going to the hospital this weekend. I told her about it and all that had occurred in a little more detail. She asked me if they were going to do any psychological testing on her. I very nearly came through the phone. It makes me so angry that she wants a label for her. I told her that there is nothing wrong with Emily. She was having a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way and that was the truth of it. She was testing boundaries and trying to manipulate and at her age can go to quite the extremes. As we have been seeing. But it boils down to no more than a temper tantrum. Truly and honestly. And I do believe she has some issues to work through. So do I. So does everybody. Emily hasn't been given firm boundaries to operate within and now that she has them, she has to test them. And she is. That's the bottom line. Her mother was silent after that. I don't think that's the end of that conversation, though. It is not the first time she's asked about that. Or the second, third, fourth or countless more.
I saw on his Facebook where he was discussing with his mother about moving back down there. She is dangling a new house and music oriented school in front of him. He told her he would talk to us about it but hasn't yet. I believe if he goes it will be pretty-much a huge mistake. He has no idea what he would be getting in to. And Emily. It would totally mess things up for her. Josh wouldn't be near as close to him. He just has no idea. I'm thinking, though, that since he hasn't brought it up to us, he may have not decided to go. Jacob said he spoke to him about it and all he could really do was stay neutral. Jacob is a good kid to do that.
Sometimes I daydream about only having Josh and Jacob here. I know that's selfish and not what I really want. I usually squash them pretty quick when I start down that path. I know the dangers of renewing my mind to a way of thinking. I know it would be horrible for both of them, and especially David. It would be basically sending them to their destruction. And I do love them. It is so very hard to walk this out. So hard. And I have nobody to talk with about it. It just comes out as frustrated griping. And I don't feel like anybody really even cares.
Their mother called me the other day to ask what had happened with Emily going to the hospital this weekend. I told her about it and all that had occurred in a little more detail. She asked me if they were going to do any psychological testing on her. I very nearly came through the phone. It makes me so angry that she wants a label for her. I told her that there is nothing wrong with Emily. She was having a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way and that was the truth of it. She was testing boundaries and trying to manipulate and at her age can go to quite the extremes. As we have been seeing. But it boils down to no more than a temper tantrum. Truly and honestly. And I do believe she has some issues to work through. So do I. So does everybody. Emily hasn't been given firm boundaries to operate within and now that she has them, she has to test them. And she is. That's the bottom line. Her mother was silent after that. I don't think that's the end of that conversation, though. It is not the first time she's asked about that. Or the second, third, fourth or countless more.
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