A letter to Emily's therapist

Saturday evening, we went to church.  After church, we went to Walmart.  She and Cody (her bio brother) were both bored with Walmart and irritated at having to be there.  He gets like that sometimes when he would rather be other places, and normally deals with it by just going to a bench somewhere or to the electronics dept until it's time to go.  Usually, it's no big deal, and really wasn't a big deal Saturday, but when he and Emily are together, they tend to feed off of each other and it feels kinda' like they're teaming up or something.  

After Walmart, we were driving home and her Mom texted me asking if Emily was ok because she was sending a lot of angry emails to her.  I asked Emily and she brushed me off with an "I'm fine".  I called her out on it because she wasn't being consistent.  She was telling her mother one thing and me another.  She got immediately angry.  I pressed her because she's been taught that she can't run from the difficult conversations.  She shut down and said that she wasn't going to talk to me.  She made comments about us taking everything away from her and voluntarily gave me her phone back.  She said she was fine meaning she wasn't going to do anything, but she was angry.  

During the conversation with her mother, we discovered that Emily had been trying to manipulate a situation and get permission to be talking to a friend in San Antonio.  She was telling me that her Mom said she would be able to talk to her, when her Mom said she would definitely not be able to talk to her.  Emily got a bit more angry with that being uncovered.  

Once we were home, she went straight to her bed.  After a little bit, she got up to use the restroom and I followed her.  There are no sharp objects in her room, so I wasn't concerned about her being in there in the dark in her bed.  She wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge me, so I followed her back to her room.  I was not comfortable with her being alone at this point at all.  I am a little fuzzy on the order of things, but she was very weepy and dramatically crying.  She kept telling me to take her to the place where she feels safe.  She told me over and over to take her back there.  She wouldn't tell me the name of the Seay Center for some reason.  I felt like she was trying to control the conversation in any way she could by trying to force me to say it first.  Every so often, she would try to curl up in a ball to go to sleep and I wouldn't let her.  I told her she couldn't do that until we got done with our situation.  She can't just check out.  It made her angrier and angrier.  At one point, I physically had to sit her back up.  I talked to her Dad about this because I don't want anything physical with her, but she simply cannot ignore things and check out.  He said to dump ice water on her when she layed back down.  So I did.  She stayed sitting up, but kept telling me to take her to where she felt safe.  I explained to her that I don't have the authority to put her in there and her Dad was at work.  She got angrier and angrier and ended up throwing things at me and kicking me.  She threw her lamp against the wall and broke the light bulb.  She ended up picking up glass and cutting herself.  I know she simply did this because she couldn't get me to do what she wanted.  I couldn't take the glass away from her without hurting her or me, so I called the police.  She calmed herself down once she knew they were coming and even got up and changed her clothes.  She has never gotten physical with violence like that before, and I really felt like she was just trying to take it to whatever extreme she could so she was in control of the situation.  At that point, I felt like she had backed me into a power struggle. 

Once the police came and her Dad came home from work, the police transported her to Green Oaks for the night.  We decided that we did not want her to go back to the Seay Center, if for no other reason than that she doesn't need to have the power to call the shots like that.  She had to go in a squad car because we needed to be sure she couldn't flip out on the drive down there.  The policeman wouldn't take her unless she wore handcuffs, so it wasn't really a pleasant ride for her.

Green Oaks discharged her Sunday afternoon to us.  She came home and apologized to me.  We have had a talk and a few tears and hugs.  She has been a little clingy to me since then, seeming to look for assurances that she can still get affection from me and a little bit of security.  She has even asked to sleep with me tonight.  I've reassured her that she is loved and nothing will change that.  I also have told her that those things aren't her, they are the result of the decisions she makes to dwell on the wrong thoughts.  She says she understands that.  

We really believe that even with this happening this weekend, we're still definitely headed in the right direction.  You helped me realize that as she adjusts to the security here, she will have more and more things uncovered to deal with and that's ok.  They all need to be aired out and taken care of.  I believe that these instances will be fewer and farther between as we keep plowing along.  

Also, we decided to take anything out of her room that could be used to chunk at somebody or that she could use to hurt herself.  We had kinda' stayed with the sharp object rule, but this went beyond that.  She basically has clothes, her bed and a few stuffed animals.  She has her journal and can write in it whenever she wants, but will have to come ask me for a pen and then give it back.  She escalated things with getting physical, and for us to know she's safe in her room, we felt like that was our option.

Another Hospital

We just took Emily to another hospital. Well, actually, she rode with our town's finest. Hard to swallow. She had a difficult night, followed by getting physical with me, followed by the cops coming, followed by the emts coming, followed by a new facility. What's next?

Thoughts

We are talking about putting 3rd year of school on hold. I had a very hard time with the idea of it last night, but its sounding more reasonable as we go along. Emily doesn't need to be alone in the mornings. David wants to work full time and see the kids more. Can't blame him there at all. And honestly, homeschooling two kids and going to school while running the house sounds exhausting. Completely. And I wanna be more present at home. I want to see the boys off in the mornings and be able to be with Emily and Josh all morning. Our finances would certainly be in better shape. I would have a lot more freedom and could take better care of our house. We would also be free to be available to our church. We are supposed to become care pastors and that's another responsability on Davids plate. Logically speaking, it makes more sense. I am going to be waiting on the Lord for confirmation. I know He will give it of course.

18 Years

I would have been married to my first husband 18 years today. I regret a lot of things, but I wouldn't go back and change anything. I love my husband and all our kids. I love our life and how full it is. I regret a lot, but wouldn't change it.

Something Was Up

We got some stuff hammered out last night.  We went to hang out with Monika and Jenna.  Well, Jenna spent the night with us and hung out all day.  Monika bought Taco Bell.  It was fun.  After dinner, we hung at their house until pretty late.  Monika and I went in her room to chat some and Josh was watching TV.  About time to go, we came out and the girls were outside lying on the driveway looking at the stars.  Emily was obviously (to me) crying.  Monika and Jenna went inside and Emily and I talked for a while.  She was explaining that she felt really sad and that there weren't really bad thoughts, she was just sad.  She had a little cry and we talked some more.  I told her how proud I was that she chose to cry and talk rather than cut and internalize.  Progress.  Definitely good progress.  She had an appointment with Lana today and that went well, also.  She is doing really good!

On a completely different note, a girl from school called me today to tell me about a revelation God gave her for/about me.  I wanted to type it out somewhere so I have it and don't forget.  She said she was lying on the couch snoozing/watching TV.  In her vision, she saw me at a table with beautiful fabrics - fabrics that you don't see here in the colors of Heaven.  She said the lace on the fabrics wasn't even laces like we see here.  Really beautiful stuff.  And I was working with it.  There was an angel with me giving me direct instructions about what to do with the fabrics and how to do it.  She said it was difficult work, but it was a ministry and it had to do with women and girls.  Like adolescents age girls.  She said that David was in the vision also, but he wasn't involved in what I was doing.  She said that he tried to pull something alongside what I was doing and it wasn't successful, so it went away.  She said she needed to just tell me what she saw like she saw it.  She said whatever my ministry is, we will be prosperous through this.  It would earn/make a lot of income for our family. It would be like a job for me, but a ministry.  She prayed with me against whatever hindrances could come against it manifesting, and that it would manifest quickly.

I can totally see what she meant by David doing that.  It's nothing bad about my husband...I adore him, but he tends to be a little jealous when something comes up that is for me that doesn't include him.  He deals with it, but it's hard on him.  I understand because I do the same with him.  When I told him about the vision, I didn't tell him about his part.  He had a hard time with just what I told him because he said it's hard not to feel jealous.  And I really, truly understand.

I have no idea what she is talking about.  I do know that when I first started school, I went to a ladies' meeting at church and God showed me a vision of myself speaking to about 100 women in the youth room at our church.  I kinda' thought that was a bit ridiculous, even though I knew it was from God and was very real.

I know this girl well, and trust the Holy Spirit in her.  I believe that what she told me will be confirmed as time goes on.  I don't know how or when, but I'll be on the lookout for that confirmation.  I know it'd be great if it would come soon because we are going to either need something to put our hands to that is lucrative, or another financial miracle very soon.  We aren't going to have the funds to make it through the summer and we are not in a position for me to go to work with Emily and Joshua here.  We might make it work with just Josh, but not with Emily.  She cannot be left alone.  It sure would be easy to go work at Walmart or back at Albertson's, though.

Something Is Up

I can feel it. The other day, I got Emily some music downloaded to her ipod. She's a music lover and that's fine of course. Since then, I have been seeing something brewing in her eyes. I'm not afraid, but at the same time I'm feeling like the Holy Spirit is saying to brace ourselves. We had company all weekend. Rosy and Connie came Thursday and left Monday morning. It's almost 2am on Tuesday morning, so I can't say this morning really. Anyway, Emily has been hanging with them all weekend and I thought doing well. She has been reading and just hanging out today. Tonight we went to Monika's for bible study and Jenna came home with is for the night. Emily has been easily irritated. During the middle of a conversation at monikas, she started asking to stop by Walmart on the way home for some headphones. I told her no and I know she didn't like it. She asked several times. Tonight she was journaling. I followed her when she got up to take her journal to her room. She was getting all her notes from people from the hospital out and putting them in the journal. I talked with her a few minutes and voiced my concerns. She assures me she's ok. I went back later to read the journal entry and it is all about how she suffers and cries for so many people. I talked with David some and will sit down with her tomorrow about it all and we shall see where it all goes. I was putting together the fact that her look changed when she got her music and David thinks that's because she's listening to music that is bringing up memories. I bet he's right.

Here we are again

I'm learning and learning and re-learning how not to worry.


I know that we need a financial miracle right now.  We've needed them before and they've always come through.  I don't know how or when, but we will get another one.  


We have so much stuff that needs to be paid for right now.  We have basically all our bills and now our mortgage.  The GI bill wasn't enough to pay for the mortgage.  Combined with the VA Disability, it is, but not and pay other bills too.  I had already set up our AT&T phone bill to come out of that account when it hit, so some of that is already gone.  Plus, I had to set up a payday advance to Wells Fargo so that it could cover Jose's money that we owed him.  So now, David's paycheck that hit last Friday was immediately docked $200.00.  


Our water, electric and gas bills are due right now, along with the mortgage payment.


We have seen so many financial miracles, that I don't even understand why I would even begin to worry.  


We've had to spend so much money on Emily in the past month that it's ridiculous.  And there's more needed coming up.  Every doctor's visit is $30.  Every prescription is $25.  Every therapist's session is $25.  


God already has provision in place for us.  It's right where we need it, right when we need it.  He also has the exact, perfect amount set out.


There are some things I know God showed me in my spirit.  When all this started, and our house first went into foreclosure, way back when, I had been driving and praying in the spirit about it.  I had a little communion thingy in my purse (need more of those), and felt I should take it.  I saw a vision of our house (I wish I could draw it).  It was a cartoon-looking drawing of our house.  Our house was covered by a plant that came up out of the middle of it and its huge leaves were overlapping each other and making a covering that anything that hit would roll off like water.  I could also see under the ground and there was an amazing, huge root system.  I know our house is covered.  I know it's a safe place.  


1 Timothy 5:8 says...But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel. 


My sweet husband used to really struggle with this verse.  God showed him that He Himself (God) is worse than an infidel if He does not provide for those of His own house.  


(I don't know why I can't get the font to match up, but I can't.  Oh, well.)


Just thinking this morning.  Josh is up now, so I'm gonna snuggle before everybody else gets up.  :-)