Friday

I took Emily to hopefully her last Friday at the behavioral health clinic. Hopefully. Josh and I are at chickfila for breakfast. Yesterday I ended up having to spank him twice for pooping his pants. After praying about it, I decided to bribe him with m&ms. So, after a discussion about it being his choice to get m&ms or a spanking, he pooped in the potty without getting any in his pants this morning. We are on our way to Walmart for his m&ms when we are done here. After Walmart, we are going to hang with Gingerbread until time to pick up Emily at 4. Speaking of Emily, I feel like there's something brewing. I don't think she's intentionally planning anything, but I feel like she has the attitude or even maybe just a habit of keeping a watch out for any opportunity to be dramatic or cause a scene. I don't know what to do with that. I don't believe she would act on anything right now because she wants to see her mom this weekend. But after that, I think she'll see the emotional freefall from her mom going home as her excuse to do whatever she wants to cope. She at least has one more day, Tuesday, at the center before they discharge her completely. We shall see.

Posting From My Phone

If this works well, its gonna be really cool! So far I like the layout. Gonna post a random picture to see how it looks. I'll find one of Max. I won't be posting many, but every once in a while, it will be nice.

Her story in the laundry

I am doing laundry today.  Emily is outpatient again.  Joshua is still pooping his pants.  David is sleeping and working nights, but he's off today.  Cody is frustrated and agitated with Emily for her "drama" as he puts it, but doesn't really get where it comes from.  Jacob is just Jacob.  He's worrying about how to make Connie happy this weekend and spending time with his friends.  I am not going to try to give backgrounds on things so much as just type what's happening in me today.

I am learning that the Word is the substance of all things...thanks to Mike Miller's ability to teach the revelation he's received through the Holy Spirit.  I am so thankful for all that I'm learning.  If it weren't for his teaching called Been There, Done That, I would definitely be falling apart.  He's my new favorite.  I love being taught and am thankful for awesome teaching in my life.  I remember praying and asking God to please just bring me some teachers who teach the Word and not just find scripture to back up their denomination's doctrines.  Now there are so many available to me that I don't know what to do with all of them.  There's not enough time in the day for all I want to listen to and search out.

Thank you, God for abundance.  Thank you that you are the God of abundance.

In doing laundry, Joshua normally "helps" me.  He loves to put the clothes and soap in.  He usually helps me check pockets and start the machines.  It broke my heart today to have to tell him that he couldn't help me with Emily's clothes.  I was nervous about him accidentally finding a razor blade or something like it.  She's left them in pockets before.  That's awful that I should have to be concerned about razor blades in my 12 year old's laundry.  Nuts, I tell you.  Nuts.

I did find an interesting writing that she did.  I thought I'd type it here so it would be around for a while.  It's all written in blue marker on white printer paper.  She wrote it while she was inpatient the other day.  I do have another story she wrote that won't be read by anybody.

I walk out of the forest, the one I've been lost in my whole life,
I walk into a meadow, a beautiful meadow.
A meadow full of flowers and fruits.
As I walk along, I notice jars full of water.
Curious, I bend down and pick one up.
It shatters in my hands and spills into a beautiful lake.
I stare at the blood in my hands and realize this is my heart.
Split and shattered into pieces.
I look over at the lake and realize these are the tears I've cried.
Shaking my head, I move along
I move along to a patch of flowers.
I bend down and touch one.
At my touch, it burns and darkens into ash.
I feel the ash with my hands and realize these are my dreams.
Never to come true.
Tears slipping down my face,
I look up at the sky and watch the sky darken.
I realize this is my hope.
Darkening into nothing.
Looking away from the pain, I walk back into the forest I'll forever be lost in.
I walk into the place that will forever leave a black hole in my heart.
<|3 -Emily- The more I stay, the more I suffer.

You know, when I read this, I can see different times when she's been in that forest and then times when she's been in the meadow.  I can see how that is a good analogy of the way she thinks.  After she cut Saturday afternoon, I saw her walk back into the forest.  Her eyes simply said she just didn't care.  She cried for a bit and was very shaken, but then just checked out.  She obviously went into this place inside of her that was a forest of "I don't care".  I guess it's her "I don't care forest".  I saw when she was falling apart crying that she was seeing the surroundings she described earlier, then the sky went dark and she walked into the forest.

Hopefully, we can cut down some trees and let some light in.

Emily

We've had some changes in our house.  Emily came to live with us a few weeks ago.  We put her in the school here in town and she did fine for a few days.  About a week in, she decided to cut at recess.  She was doing it with an audience and one of the boys asked her if it hurt and she said no, so he asked her to cut him too.  She did.

Of course the principal was calling rather quickly for us to come get her.  She said she couldn't allow Emily back at school for at least 3 days, and then it would need to be re-evaluated.  We took her for a psychiatric evaluation that evening.  Our stance was sort of that she was just trying to get attention, impulsive and didn't really know how big what she did could get.  With that, we thought our best recourse would be to have her checked out.  I took her to the only one I knew for sure was on her insurance.  They decided to admit her inpatient.  Ok.  Shock to me.

During the admitting, we discovered some things we had no idea about.  We didn't even know to ask them up front, really.  We have been so clueless.  Anyway, Emily said that about a year ago, she tried to kill herself by taking too many pills.  She said her mother knew about it, having found out several weeks prior when she was admitted to an outpatient program in the city she lived before here.  She also admitted to having cut a year prior and that was known, also.  We were led to believe that the cutting was a recent development and that her mother found out about it the day before we did.  Not during admission, but just a couple of days before everything really hit the fan, I asked Emily and she told me that she has had sex with two different partners.

Her Dad had to come sign her in because I am not a legal guardian.  He ended up missing work that night because he was up way too long to stay up all night.

I ended up going to group therapy the next morning without him because of his schedule.  On the way there, I was praying about her and a bit upset.  I was telling God that I just didn't sign up for all this mess.  He reminded me quietly that I did.  He said that step kids are the same as adopted kids.  I chose them when I married their dad and I will continue to choose them for the rest of our lives.  They didn't get a choice in the matter, but I did and I can't go back on that.  I saw in a moment the similarities to His choosing me.  It doesn't matter what I do or how I am, He chose me and continues to choose me.  It's easy to continue to choose Emily when I see how that works with Him and me.  She is my child and I love her.  And I want her.  Anyway, once I saw all that in a flash, He told me to tell her that.  When I got there for group therapy/visitation, I told her.  She seemed to get it and appreciated it.

Since that day, we've been outpatient twice and we're on our third inpatient admission.  She went back again last night.  She's been with us now for 3 1/2 weeks and most of that has been with her at the hospital.

We've so far learned a lot and I still have a lot to write about, but I'll have to do it later.  That is, of course, if I don't forget.

I am so frustrated

****Edited May 20, 2012 - I didn't pay attention to when this was originally written, but it was in a few months ago and was in my saved drafts:  Though I was angry and felt these things that follow in that moment, I never really, truly wanted to leave my life.  That was just fumes.  I love my life, kids, husband and the dog.  Most of all, I'm in love with my Lord, Jesus.  He has proven himself faithful in every way.  It's not healthy to vent like I did here.  I've learned that the things you vent, grow.  I wrote below that I felt like I would implode.  I won't implode.  Not at all.  It's more like, if I don't let those things out, they will implode - the things themselves.  The way to handle that would have been to shoot God's word at it.  To bring those thoughts captive unto Christ by countering them with what He says is true, not my feelings.  I feel so silly reading this mess, but feel that I need to post the truth of what was going on at the time.  I'll have a new post to post in just a bit.  So many things have happened...it's ridiculous to think how fast things can change.****

I don't even know how to put it into words.  I'm fuming.  I don't know how much mad I am and how frustrated I am.  Either one works.

I can sit here and point fingers and say all this crap about how pissed I am, but it really doesn't matter.  I feel like the frickin maid.  That's it.  I have kids who I bend over backward for and they don't give a rat's butt about anything.  I hate it right now.  I hate being here and just want to leave.  I don't want anything to do with my life right now.  I need a break and I need out.  I am miserable in this moment.

God, I am so angry.  I feel like you are really ignoring me.  Where is your provision that you've promised?  Where is it?  I spend each day plodding forward to do what you want and here I sit.  Our house is in foreclosure.  Our money is gone.  Foodstamps aren't even coming for several weeks.  We've bounced a check to the school.  This is ridiculous.  What am I not doing?  It's obviously not in seeking you because all I do is seek you.  All I do is go the direction you sent me.  I can't even provide a birthday present to my son! 

Now I just feel stupid.  I know how blessed we are to live where we do and have the things we have.  I know my kids are good.  My husband's good.  AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Why?  What is it?  Where is the abundance you say you have for me?  It's not about money.  It's really not.  I want to be able to do things for people and you are not supplying the means to do that.  You said you would! 

Seriously. Thoughts of leaving are so prevalent.  I have nobody to talk to.  I can't tell this stuff to anybody.  I'm going to implode. 

Is this a pity party?  I don't even care.  I just flat don't give a crap anymore.  I just want a break and I want to leave.  I don't want school anymore.  I just don't even want to get out of bed. 

No wonder people don't make it in you.  I am wrong, I know, of course.  I know the truths about you.  But I also know where I sit right now and that is not in your truth.  It would be easier to just walk away and do whatever feels good right now.  Right now it would feel good to just walk out the door and keep walking.

Tough ride home

God has been speaking to me alot about getting things in order and walking in unity.  The walking in unity part has been something David's been hearing alot of lately.

Today, I ended up in night school because Joshua decided to puke all over the daycare's trash can yesterday.  Since they saw it and they have a 24 hour can't come back rule, I needed to stay with him this morning.

On our way home, we were talking about our finances and how to get them in order.  We both understand that we need to be in unity and we need the Holy Spirit to give us a method to handle it.  We were talking about the fact that we both have "hot buttons" with the other one.  Those weren't really the words we used to describe it, but same thing.  For example - I am afraid to approach him on certain subjects because some things just make him shut down and then there's no talking to him.  He is sensitive about certain things because he automatically interprets me as berating him or cutting him down, so he shuts down.  Since we've both been on an ugly end of these situations, there's really no handling it easily.  We both decided and discussed that we just need to understand that we're not in that place now.  Our finances are bigger than either one of our feelings and we need to just handle it.  That was a really good conversation.  Now we just need to get it going, and we will.

Anyways, the tough part...

David has a pet peeve of being interrupted.  It's so hard for me.  I don't intentionally interrupt him.  I never do.  In fact, I try so hard to be careful not to.  Sometimes, though, when we get a good discussion going, I get enthusiastic and it just pops out.  I immediately feel horrible as soon as I hear him just shut down and go silent. 

The hard part was that I just miss Dena so much when that happened.  We never, ever had that problem.  I could just turn off my worries and talk.  I can't do that with David.  David is literally my absolute favorite person to talk to, but I can't just talk without having to filter every single word that comes out of my mouth.  This is probably selfish, but it hurts that he can't just try to understand that and meet me in the middle. 

Two Sophomores and a Pre-K-er

That's what I'll have tomorrow.  Well, the Pre-K-er won't start until the day after Labor Day, but he's pretty sure he already has a school.  He's pretty excited.  And cute.  And excited.

I think Cody might be a teensy bit regretful of his decision not to play football.  I hate it or him.  I know he's going to be sad about feeling left out of all of it.  He is standing by his decision and claiming he is ok with it all.  I'm thinking he's ok right now, but it won't be easy for him when things get a bit more in full swing. 

But Jacob and football are getting along really nicely.  He is shining on the field.  I couldn't be more proud of him.  Awesome player.  And hasn't played since 5th grade.  The coaches have been singing his praises.  I thought he might have been exaggerating a bit, but he got 5 sacks in the first scrimmage they played and played really, really well in the second.  I'm not sure of the stats of that game, but he did really well.  They have not made a decision as to whether or not he'll be on Varsity, but he works out with JV and V and has played in both for both scrimmages.  Hopefully they'll just move him up to V and that'll be that.  He really does shine.  I am excited for him. 

Changing lanes...

God gives me visions - just little things that I see in the Spirit briefly.  Sometimes a bit longer in some visions than others, and not every day.  I've blogged most of them on the Adventures in Bible School blog.  A couple of weekends ago, when we went to Matthew's house for the worship thingy, God gave me a beautiful one of Joshua.  I was watching him sitting at a table just playing with his hands.  He was being so good, being the only little guy at the thing.  All of a sudden, I saw his hands as a grown man's hands.  He was laying his hands on people's heads and healing/praying for them.  It was amazing and beautiful.  I love it when I see things like that.  It's so wonderful. 

Changing lanes again...

I met with Pastor Terry about Dena the other day.  He gave me some sound advise and helped me see some wisdom in the steps I need to take with her.  I am planning to go out to dinner with her as soon as our schedules can mesh and we can get it done.  We'll see how it all goes.